Snark Different.

Apple employees uninvited to iPhone prom

# posted June 7

We’ve been hearing a lot about the iPhone Launch Party, an exclusive soiree featuring industry celebrities and demos of groundbreaking applications for everyone’s favorite mobile device. Initially, a large crew of Apple employees was on the coveted attendee list, curiously identified not by their profile pictures but by the logo of their corporate overlords. It wasn’t long before this group of faceless fruits found themselves quietly purged from the list in favor of a more diverse indie crowd. Hurt feelings and passive-aggressive tweets ensued, followed by the quick organization of a counter-party without “those elitist assholes.”

One anonymous Apple employee was very upset about the new development. “They said I was on the list, so I bought a new dress and everything. What am I supposed to do with this boutonnière now? Pin it on someone from the #macsb crowd? I don’t think so.”

Some, however, took it all in stride. “I really just wanted a place to get drunk on Wednesday,” said Apple build engineer and budding alcoholic Chris Bowns over pomegranate ciders at a local get-together. “I don’t really care where it is or who I’m with. Ideally I wouldn’t remember them either way.”

Ateş meets girl, Marini oddly threatened

# posted April 4

Apple engineer Robert Marini was seen tweeting today in a defensive, almost frantic manner after hetero life mate Faruk Ateş brought home a lady friend. The two have been inseparable for months, often “checking in” from the same location or quoting each other, but never before has the fairer sex been a part of their rapport.

Marini was clearly unsure how to navigate this unexpected situation, but his tacit disapproval was registered in a flurry of tweets a few minutes later:

wisequark: @KuraFire brought a girl home… how does one gracefully retreat into their bedroom in these kind of situations?

wisequark: @zadr She’s a real winner, wanting to get the cats drunk and/or high…

wisequark: @zadr I suspect she’s both as well…

wisequark: @wooster she insisted on seeing my macbook pro… which she thought was an air…

All eyes will be on this highly visible, previously inseparable pair. An anonymous celebrity gossip columnist remarked, “It’s too soon to tell if we’re looking at the next Bennifer, but I think they’ll pull through. They’re the public’s favorite couple right now, and everyone’s rooting for them to stay together.” Neither Ateş nor the cats could be reached for comment.

Halsall and Zarra seen sharing drink, vowing never to blog again

# posted March 25

Mac dilettantes Anne Halsall and Marcus Zarra were spotted together today at the Café de la Rue, enjoying a toast to their mutual promise never to blog again. The meeting takes place in the wake of two ill-conceived posts that garnered the pair an unhealthy amount of negative attention.

"I really wasn’t expecting the lynch mob," Zarra admitted, his cheeks ruddy from an extended session of boozing. "It was, you know, not what I planned at all. You should have seen my inbox. Full of flaming sticks.”

Though both Zarra’s and Halsall’s original articles have been withdrawn, this artist’s rendition shows what the contentious “posting” might have looked like.

Artists rendition of Zarra "posting" an "article" on his "blog"

Halsall agreed with Zarra as she ordered another round. “We just… you know… didn’t think about how publicly criticizing two huge corporations with rabid fans could backfire. I mean… how can you predict something like that? Bartender!”

Handshake/Puzzllotto simultaneous launch a “total coincidence”

# posted October 22

Two notable new iPhone apps hit the store today, the much-anticipated Puzzllotto from United Lemur and the too-good-to-be-free Handshake from Ian Baird and Kyle Richter. Sources close to the situation say it was a “total coincidence” that they shipped at the same time, and that the developers involved certainly had no intentions of competing for press or users. “It was also totally random that Handshake was free,” my informant Shady McGraw reported, “They rolled a D20. I guess that’s what you call a critical fail!”

Consumer polls indicate that while they are slightly overwhelmed by the dual launch, it will probably only affect the stupidest of buyers. “I wanna get both, but I only have one space left on my home screen,” said Margory of Salt Lick, Idaho. “Now I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll just get another Sudoku app.”

iPhone developer builds game, demands “two-fitty”

# posted October 21

There was a beautiful light show on Twitter earlier today as several active iPhone developers got into a heated discussion about the seemingly low price points for games. The community was all a-twitter in anticipation of Mike Lee’s innovative new project, Puzzlotto, but when it was discovered that the app was going to cost a shocking $4.99, seasoned developer Jon Wight expressed some concern.

schwa: $4.99 is a LOT for a game these days. Talking to Brian Greenstone last week and the bottom has fallen out of the game prices now.

This incited discussion from many, including this reply from Mike:

bmf: I maintain that lowering your prices to unreasonable levels is a losing panic ploy that hurts everyone. We’ll see if if I’m right.

We’ll see? C’mon, we all know…

He also points out that $5 buys you a latte, or perhaps some porn. I mean a sandwich. Sandopornwich. At any rate, that’s worth an hour of entertainment. Isn’t it?

It does seem like it’s not the profits you can make, but whether or not you make it onto the leaderboards that counts. And we know, people are cheap bastards who aren’t willing to pay more than say, two-fitty for a good sandopornwich. Are people hawking cheap goods to get on the high score list great marketers or bad for the industry? And is Mike Lee’s considerable savoir faire enough to drive a $5 “luxury” app into the top 25?

Only time will tell. But at least this story ends happily (?) with Jon’s well wishes and concession that the app is for a good cause after all, followed by this heartwarming reply from Mike:

bmf: That’s a fair point, and this is why we’re friends. You’re a devil’s advocate, and a troublemaker, but a good guy with good values.

Aww. Best friends forever!

What the hell is this shit?

# posted October 20

Sometimes a word is so powerful, so unique, so beautifully self-descriptive that is represents the very idea it stands for in its totality. Today I have found such a word, and it is Dramacintosh. It called, and I answered.

I don’t think I need to explain what it means to you. You know where I’m coming from, you’ve lived it, you’ve loved it. I feel like we’re really having a moment here.

So you know that everything written here is a joke, right? Of course you do! That’s how close we are. And you also know that I won’t post anything that wasn’t first made public on a blog or Twitter or a whiteboard I saw through your window with a telescopic lens. Scout’s honor.

Now then, have a good time and poke some fun at your friends. And yourselves. Then get back to work. Slackers!